10:32 PM

Hello,


It's 10:32 PM on a Tuesday night in December. I'm sitting at the kitchen table—a wooden circle, the same it's been since I was born. I've been out of school for about a week now, and I felt like I needed to write something. 


I'm not sure what. 


I saw a post on Twitter that says "i feel like we haven’t acknowledged how hard this time has been for FRIENDSHIPS." Yeah. I've grown apart from so many friends during the pandemic. Some don't understand or don't share my sense of caution about the virus. Some do and have hunkered down the same way I have, and neither party ever thought to reach out. Really, though, the pandemic has given me the space to consider who I am and who I want to be, and this has caused me to focus on the development of that identity at the expense of some friendships. 


When you lose friends, you lose parts of yourself. It makes sense because we are the sum of our friendships; our personalities are molded by the people around us. This has been a period of such intense reconstruction that I don't really know who I am anymore. And that's okay, I hope. 


I don't know if I've found my best friends yet at school. I have great, caring friends and roommates, but I feel like I'm looking for something more. A group? I couldn't say. I want to be known, to be understood on that level beyond the superficial. Isn't that what we all want? 


I'm tired, so I'm probably going to go to bed now. It was nice to write. I'd like to submit an essay to a competition that my school apparently holds each year, but I'm scared to fail. The trouble with being known (by friends or a significant other or, yes, even the faceless judge who reads your personal essay) is this: what if it's not enough? What if you give everything you have to someone, bare your soul for the world to see, and find that you have failed anyway? I don't know where you go from there. 


Anyway, that took a dark turn. It really is nice to write, and it feels so natural. Woop de doop! I wonder if anyone reads these. I don't think so. Goodnight! 


Thanks for reading

-TWTD

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